Ding ding ding! We have a winner (I think)

Hey y'all! I'm sure you've been losing sleep over my last post and have been racking your brain trying to figure out what the hell the most recent calf tat was. Was it Italy or sideways Ireland? Was it green, white and red or green, white and orange? So many questions. Well mystery solved! 

Pssst.. that isn't the Hungarian flag

Italian flag (what the calf tat is)

 












My brilliant friend, Cindy, informed me that the tattoo is shaped like the country of Hungary. I can kinda see it. The shape is definitely closer to Hungary than Italy or Ireland. It's  not right, but it's ok. (See what I did there?)

Hungary (what the calf tat should be)

Now that I know about the shape of Hungary, I can see where some another source of confusion for this dude. Apparently, the Hungarian flag is also green, white and red, but the stripes on the Hungarian flag are horizontal not vertical. Either way, homey got it wrong. Who has two thumbs and can't manage to check Wiki before he got the tattoo? Apparently, that guy in the picture to the left, because he still managed to eff up his calf tat. The shape of the country is almost right but the flag is just a total fail. Apparently, he is proud to be Hungarian but not proud enough to get the shape of the country or it's flag right. For shame, sir.
 

Italia! Italia! Italia!

Last week, I received several really awesome pictures of calf tattoos spotted around Boston. Some were good and some were, well ... awesomely bad. Today's calf tattoo is courtesy my friends the Joneses. Why yes, I do make cracks about Jonesing for things and keeping up with the Jones all the time. And of course, I say the name of the Mr Jones like rapper Mike Jones announces his name on his songs. Fun times. At any rate, fantastic teamwork, guys. You snapped a truly unique tattoo. It was quite the topic of discussion at the bar yesterday during the England v. Italy game. Some random dude at the bar even felt compelled to ask what the hell it was. After a long, awkward convo about this tattoo, he was just as confused as I was and couldn't offer a definitive opinion as to what it was.

When I first got the picture of this monstrosity, it was via text message. The screen resolution of my phone is pretty good and usually acceptable for initial assessment of calf tattoos being good or bad. My first thought was that this was the Italian flag. There's a pretty sizable Italian population here (not like New Jersey), but they still manage to represent the 617*. But upon second, third, and fourth looks, I realized I have no idea what the eff this is. It looks like the colors of the Italian flag. But it's a weird shape. It's definitely not the boot shape of Italy.

If Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey have taught us anything, it's that having an Italian flag tattoo in the actual shape of Italy is pretty much required to prove your heritage. Now maybe, the Italians in Boston, do things differently. I'm still learning. Reality TV and 4 years of college in New Jersey have made me a bit of an expert in Jersey Italians. Boston Italians are completely foreign to me. So I really don't know.

I do know that generally when you think Boston, you think Irish. Creme pie and clam chowder are also acceptable answers. Granted most of the people that claim they are 100% Irish actually have had family here for like 200 years, but yeah there are a lot of people of Irish descent here in Boston. Taking that into consideration, I now kinda think maybe this is supposed to Ireland but rotated on it's side, kinda sorta. It's possible that the tiny bit that is next to the white is maybe orange and not red. AmIright? I know. I am reaching on this one. As far as I am concerned this tattoo is a total wild card. I really have no clue what it's supposed to be. Maybe it's rotated Ireland or maybe it's a squashed Italian flag. Either way, it's super fug and I'm bummed England lost yesterday.


*That's the Boston area code, yo!

Is that a banana on your calf or are you just happy to see me?

In the interest of trying to do something new and different, I joined a bowling league with my fellow calf tat lovers. I'm not really any good, but I look at is as a chance to get together mid-week and drink with my friends. Sounds great, right? Beer, bowling and hanging with your friends, what's not to love?  Did I mention that the bowling alley is just across the street from Fenway Park? Yep, that's right. On a weekly basis, I get to fight through a sea of pink hats in prime calf tattoo viewing real estate. Weekly bowling just got better.

After missing a clutch opportunity to snap a shot of an awesome old lady calf tattoo, I caught a glimpse of color on a guy's calf. The guy was rocking an XXL Sox jersey (not a shirsey), cut off dickies and flip flops. He also had some really pretty hair pulled back into a ponytail. His elegant lady friend was keeping cool in her hippie attire (ie no bra). But this couple was on the move -- I don't think I have ever seen anyone walk so quickly outside of Fenway Park on a game day. Apparently, they were headed to Will Call to pick up their tickets. So what did I do? That's right. I followed them like a total creeper. I dragged Cindy along, who was kind enough to pretend that we were trying to get Will Call tickets too. I was trying to get a better picture of this dude's tat but his girlfriend kept getting in the way. I seriously hope she thought we were trying to cut in line. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess she didn't realize we were taking a picture of her man's calf tat. I mean, who does that? Oh right, I do.

Um what in the hell is that? I think it's supposed to be a gorilla with a banana hanging from a tree. Totally realistic right? Nope, not at all. And yes, this means that I am totally going to ruin all the fun that could be gleaned from this terribly fugly tattoo.

Now I know a thing or two about primates. Hell it was my major. Granted I went to college before we used the interwebz to mess around at work all day, but I have the amazing ability to remember really useless crap. So I'm pretty sure that all those primatology classes come in handy at times like these. 

Let's start with the obvious -- gorillas aren't even brown, they're black. Anyone who's seen Gorillas in the Mist knows that. Secondly, they don't eat bananas. They eat bamboo shoots. All damn day long. They find a nice comfy spot and just park themselves there for hours. Pulling bamboo shoots down and eating them. Sounds pretty cool, right? Now I suppose it's possible that this particular gorilla is in a zoo or something, so that could explain the banana. But if the gorilla is in a zoo, enjoying his banana, then what's up with the vine? Like I said, gorillas are lazy -- they just sit and eat all day. Plus their primary mode of locomotion is knuckle walking, like the bad boy in the picture below. Gorillas don't do the brachiation thing, because they're too heavy. Pretty hair guy got his tat all wrong! I also should point out that based on this guy's appearance, I have the feeling he probably was an anthropology major too. Come to think of it, he did smell like patchouli. So he has to know how wrong all of that mess really is. 

This is what a gorilla looks like!

So not only is the tattoo is factually wrong, but it also isn't the greatest thing to look at. I know I complain all too often about the lack of color in calf tattoos.  So I should be happy, he has some color in there, but there's no shading! All color and no shading makes it look really amateur. I have to say that I don't hate the concept, I just hate the execution of the tattoo. If it were a realistic and nicely done tattoo of a gorilla, I would totally be cool if the bearer had a banana in his pocket and was happy to see me. We could spend our first date playing hackey sack and talking about the shrinking mountain gorilla habitat.

I'm a beliver ... sorta

After work yesterday, I managed to meet up with my friend Cindy at the Park St station, so at least I didn't have to fight my way onto the T alone. As I was sweating to the point of dehydration, it occurred to me that we were in a prime calf tat display location, especially with T minus 2 hours until the start of the Sox game. Obviously, this meant there were lots of guys in Sox hats and cargo shorts, so I was convinced that I was really going to find some finely tattooed calves. I think I saw like 6 guys that I would've sworn had calf tattoos, but they didn't. Talk about disappointment.

I know I usually blather on about how the whole idea of the universe being crap. Not the scientific universe, but the idea that if you put something out into the 'Universe', you'll get it. Well you can count me in as someone that now believes in the power of the Universe, because the universe really did me a solid on this one. No sooner than I had finished voicing my disappointment about not seeing any calf tats to Cindy, I happened to spy kelly green and a number 9 out of the corner of my eye. I casually walked over closer to the track. I didn't want this guy to know I was following him, but I wanted a closer look. I saw that he was rocking a Red Sox hat and cargo shorts with his Rondo jersey. I actually got to see the holy trinity of the Boston guy's uniform. In its natural habitat, nonetheless. At that point, it was so on. I just knew this dude had to have a calf tattoo. He did have some weird arm band tattoo* going on, so logically he had to have a calf tat, right? Of course he did! I caught a glimpse of it as he walked past me to board the train, so I immediately grabbed poor Cindy and forced our way on the same car as this bro. The things I do for calf tattoos.

The good news is that we were fortunate enough to stand right next to this guy for most of the ride. But the bad news is that the train was packed, so I didn't get a great picture of his tattoo. I did manage to snap this while we were getting off the train though.
 
My apologies for the blurry picture. Bro was on the move. The Sawx game was starting and he did not want to miss the National Anthem. I snapped like 5 different pictures and this one shows he has a calf tat and 2/3 of the Boston trinity of fashion. In the interest of full disclosure, his calf tat sucked. It was just a pirate flag. That's right, y'all. I spent 15 minutes of my life stalking a dude in Rondo jersey, cargo shorts and crappy calf tat. So I learned my lesson. I need to be very specific when I ask the Universe to send me things. Otherwise, I'll end up stalking a dude with a dinky pirate flag calf tattoo.




*Even after standing by him for the whole T ride to Kenmore, I still can't figure out what it was. It involved flames and bowling pins (I think).

Well done, green line. I just don't know what to say

Today's pictures are courtesy of my dear friend who also just happens to be a green line regular. For those of you outside of Boston, the green line is akin to the inner circle of hell when it comes to public transit. The trains are slow, out-dated, crowded and full of Red Sox fans. And now I've learned that it's also a great place to find some awful tattoos.

I was away last weekend and seriously concerned that I wouldn't have sufficient blog material this week because Philadelphia has not quite embraced the calf tattoo like Boston has. Then, I just happened to receive this picture from one of my amazing friends, who not only enables my calf tattoo obsession,  but she also seems to think my stories about them are funny. I'm truly blessed, y'all! Thanks, Cindy. I couldn't have put today's post together without your eagle eye. This is some serious stealth work.

Alright, alright. So it's not a calf tat per se, but it's an ankle tattoo. On a guy!  Don't let the lack of leg hair fool you. 

There is just so much going on in that picture! That sexy ankle belongs to a guy with no leg hair, no pinky toe nail, Croc flip flops and he rides the Green line? Apparently, I take the wrong T line, because the red line never has stuff like this. I just don't even know what to say. This kind of discovery just makes me giddy.

Normally, I would say something about the actual tattoo. When I first saw this picture, I thought it was a whitewashed version of Peter, the main character from The Snowy Day. Although, upon closer inspection it could be some bastardized Dr. Seuss character. In my mind, I was already putting together a mental blog post about the dangers of having a confusing tattoo. Then I received this follow up picture:

My reaction? Let's just say it's pretty much like I was Josh Baskin sitting in the board room in Big when they're pitching the skyscraper that turns into a robot.





I just don't get it.  What can I even say? Just when I think I can say something about the actual tattoo, I get that picture. There's nothing to say about a guy that wears something like that in public, other than 'of course he has an ankle tattoo.'

Now, now. I don't want anyone thinking I am unappreciative of those two messages. Quite the opposite. They were hilarious and actually made me LOL (note the Kanye caps).  I will always be grateful to my friend for sending me this hot mess.  I gladly welcome any pictures of calf tats in their natural environment. And if you can manage to say something brilliant like, 'Yes, this is a man with an ankle tattoo', I am sure I can manage to blog about it. So please, keep those pictures coming.

Thank you for being a friend

Good morning, readers. Apologies for the lack of blog yesterday. As an apology, I do have a special treat for you. A guest blog from the awesome and witty Ms. Kathy Iandoli! That's right -- a blog written by someone that is an actual writer! If I knew how to plug all the other cool stuff she has written (including her hilarious tweets) I would, but I am still new to this whole blogger thing :( I'm sure you can use the Google, so please read her stuff.  She's awesome.

Faces on calf tats. It takes the "eyes in the back of your head"

notion about 60 inches lower, with a mug resting comfortably on the

gastrocnemius, staring at passers-by as its owner faces the opposite

direction. It's a little disconcerting (okay, a lot disconcerting)

that someone would want a face on the back of their leg (especially if

it doesn't talk). Let's add insult to leg injury and add four faces.

The Golden Girls. The Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John of Miami Senior

Living. The Paleolithic Era of Sex & the City. The Sisterhood of the

Traveling Polyester Slacks. I could go on. But I won't.

Let's address the elephant in the room first: yes, they all look dead

in this tattoo, and considering 3/4 of them are, it's rather insulting

that even Rose Nylund looks like she's no longer "with us." Dorothy

Zbornak has red eyes, Blanche Devereaux has red hair, it's all so

confusing. The only one who really looks like she's having a good time

is Sophia Petrillo, and her head looks like it was superimposed on top

of a green inkblot. It's not very neighborly, even for a place like

Miami where people are currently eating each others' faces.

What would even possess someone to take their favorite TV gals and

place them on their calf? Chances are this tattoo is off a man's leg,

so what the hell is he thinking (though a girl with this tattoo might

be even more terrifying). You must be one really passionate Golden

Girls fan to do something like this. Then the question arises of when

this inking occurred. Was it during the show ("Oh I just can't get

enough of their antics!"), after the show ("How will I live without

them?"), or, God forbid during the 3 days of The Golden Palace ("Shit

if they think that bootleg spinoff will ever come close to Dorothy and

them, they are mis.tak.en").

So do you, like, cross your legs and stare at the girls? Like, what

even happens after you get this tattoo? Do you flex your muscle and

watch them shake their heads in unison while you sing the theme song?

What happens next? I'll tell you what happens next. You get it removed

because the show comes on Lifetime every 15 minutes, and you realize

it was a terrible mistake to put four women on your leg that you'll be

seeing every day of your goddamn life. The Golden Girls are immortal.

Your tattoo and dignity, are not.

Oh snap

It's  been a bit of a busy day for me, hence the late blog post. I didn't get a chance to read through my daily gossip blogs until just a bit ago. For those of you that aren't obsessed with the celeb gossip stuff like I am, allow me to fill you in on something epic that happened last night.

Drake (aka Wheelchair Jimmy) ran into the notorious woman beating, puppy over the internet selling Chris Brown. And by ran into, I mean they got into a brawl and their entourages got into it too.  As in five people had to go to the hospital for medical attention. There are pictures over at the Daily News, but they're pretty graphic. And honestly, it looks like things were pretty nasty based on the pictures.

An eyewitness claims that someone threw a bottle at Brown and security stepped into protect him. Brown was then was ushered out by his bloody body guard, only to be followed by a ticked off looking Drake, according to another eyewitness who did not see the fight inside the club.

Holy crap, y'all! It's like Drake read my post yesterday about how The Biebs is more bad ass than he is! I take it back, Drake. I'm sorry. I won't call you Wheelchair Jimmy again! Allegedly beating the piss out of a dude who beat his girlfriend to a bloody pulp and refuses to deal with his anger problem is one helluva way to protect your rep as a bad ass. Next time, save yourself the legal problems and just get a calf tat.

How to shed your saccharin popstar image

Yesterday my dear brother posted a link on Facebook of the new Justin Bieber song Right Here feat Drake. In the interest of full disclosure, my baby brother was seriously concerned about Drake and his street cred. How could someone that is from the bad streets of Toronto and starred on Degrassi: The Next Generation ever collaborate with The Biebs? Now I'm not even going to pretend Drake is super tough, y'all. He'll always be Wheelchair Jimmy to me. But he seems to have shed his goody two shoes image and established himself as a sorta bad-ass with Young Money. So it makes total sense to me that The Biebs would turn to Drake for help perfecting his own bad-ass image. The Bieber-Drake collabo is all just a cog in the big machine as we see Bieber changing his image and maturing as an artist, y'all.

 
I'm sure you're sitting there thinking this is all well and good, LyssieBee, but how the heck this even relate to calf tattoos? Well, as I was listening to 'Right Here' and hating myself for not totally hating the song, I remembered that Justin Bieber had an amazing calf tattoo!  Of course he does. He's trying to be a serious artist and a badass now. You can't collaborate with Drake if you are all bubblegum pop. No-sirree,Wheelchair Jimmy only lends his vocal stylings to a fellow bad ass. And nothing says 'suck it, teeny bopper image' quite like a calf tattoo. Of Jesus.

Proof it's actually him!

Better view of the calf tat

Lest you think I am super shallow and only obsessed with pop culture, I'm also into art! Not just the kind that appears on coasters, place mats and the occasional umbrella, but stuff you see in a museum. So when those pictures surfaced of Bieber frolicking on the beach and just casually revealing his new ink, I knew I had seen the image before. It's an adaptation of Ruben's The Crown of Thorns (Ecce Homo). For those of you too lazy to use the Google or the Wiki, Ecce homo is what Pontius Pilate declared when he presented Jesus to the crowd before his crucifixion. It means Behold the man (in Latin).

Did it just get real in here? I mean, this is a serious decree of badassness by the Biebs. He decided to permanently tattoo an image that is symbolic of words that were used to refer to JESUS! And he was bold enough to ink his skinny little calves. I like that Bieber took the go big or go home approach on this tattoo. I think he's certainly worthy of collaborating with an established kinda badass like Drake (who doesn't even have a calf tattoo of his own). I'm pretty sure this also means that my brother can stop worrying about any effect this collabo may have on Drake's street cred. Justin Bieber is certified bad ass. Calf tattoo and all.

Double your pleasure, double your fun

Today's double calf tattoo is brought to you by my dear friend and OKC Thunder fan. In honor of the the start of the NBA Finals (Thunder UP!), I figured I should use the picture that she happened to snap on her way to the gym.

I have to admit that when I first got this picture, I was very excited. I mean, it's a double calf tat! That is a serious commitment to the art of calf tattooing. My mind was running wild with the possibility of writing a blog post with all kinds of jokes about doubling down and a reference to the double rainbow guy. But then, as I really looked at this guy's tattoo, I realized that maybe this picture would serve a broader purpose. To be perfectly honest, this tattoo is everything that is wrong with calf tattoos. Let's take a look, shall we?

Let's be honest, I think we all know that this guy thinks that his Asian symbols that are supposed to mean something like 'courage' or 'faith'. But realistically, it probably means something like chicken fried rice or even worse, it's just plain gibberish. Not a good choice. Make sure you double and triple check anything you permanently place on your body, especially if it is in another language.

Boring script work? C'mon, dude. I'm not judging people that choose to have a tattoo that is only script. In fact, I have one*. But I just happen to think the calf is a big area to work with, so why not go with something unconventional, like a Boston cityscape? Isn't the whole point of getting a calf tattoo to make your calves stand out? Clearly, this guy is willing to make a bold fashion choice. He is wearing plaid cargo shorts, after all. So why choose a boring calf tattoo? Be bold, sir. Add some color and get a big ass double calf tat. The guy has awesome calves, he should have at least picked something colorful to really accentuate his lower legs.

I wish I could pretend that my eyes don't immediately go to the black socks with the white sneakers. Any way you slice it, that is a total fashion don't. The black athletic socks aren't peaking out above the line of his shoe, but they totally clash and distract the eye from the calf tattoo.

I do want to give double calf tat credit where it's due. He does get points for symmetry and tattoo placement. I am sure when he stands still, those bad boys line up perfectly. So props to his tattoo artist on that one. There's also the ultimate accessory -- his lovely, semi-mulleted lady friend with a side calf tattoo. She does helps him out a bit, but her elegance isn't saving his ruined calves.

So let's use this as a teachable moment. Double calf tattoos are not something that should just be randomly slapped on your body -- great calves and a stylish lady friend will never make up for a poorly chosen tattoo.


*Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not a calf tat. I just don't have the kind of calves that are nicely shaped for a tattoo.

The Beauty of the Boston Skyline

Welcome back to the work week, folks. If you happen to be suffering from a case of the Mondays, I'm here with something that will surely put a smile on your face.

If you're like me, you're probably on your third coffee trying to wake up, but you aren't dreaming. That beautiful picture above really is the Boston skyline! Compare it to the picture below:

Having grown up in the Philadelphia area, I've always thought that the Philly skyline was one of the prettiest, especially at night. But I think I might need to change my tune. The scalper at the Kenmore T stop has really opened my eyes to the beauty of the Boston skyline. Sure, the perspective of his tattoo may be a bit off, but how can I hate on a cityscape that includes the Zakim Bridge and the Hancock Tower? That's art, people.

How to properly show off a calf tattoo

For those of you that don't regularly see calf tats, you're probably wondering what is the best way to showcase such fine art. Well, I am here to help you out. I happen to think this fellow perfectly demonstrates the best way to show off your ink and look oh so fashionable at the same time.

For the untrained eye, it may not be apparent as to why this guy personifies the high art of accessorizing a calf tattoo. As an expert in all things calf tattoo, I can tell you that it's almost as if this guy is the living embodiment of the Coco Chanel quote, "Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance."

First and foremost, as I hope you can tell by what everyone else is wearing, it's been cold and rainy here in Boston most of the week. This guy did not even care that most Bostonians thought it was cold enough to wear a fleece and jeans earlier this week. It was above 50 degrees, so this selfless guy decided to do his best to break the rest of us out of the funk this weather was causing. He bravely threw on shorts and let the calf tattoo breathe. I think this tactic may have worked -- it's sunny and in the upper 60s today.

Usually, I would suggest a nice pair of cargo shorts to really accentuate the beauty of your completely unique and amazing design on your lower leg, but this guy decided to really be daring and go with white shorts. Brave choice, and for that I commend you, sir. Pairing cargo shorts with a bar crawl t-shirt is what every other guy would have done. Way to step it up and rock the white shorts instead!

Let's move on to something you might not notice -- he has paired some sweet athletic socks with non-athletic Pumas. You can NEVER EVER allow even a hint of sock to peak out of your shoes. You wouldn't want something like a sock to distract your viewer's eye from your wearable art.

Lastly, the guy above is adding some extra bad assness to his calf tat by sharing a cigarette with his friends. As someone who works in public health, I'd normally decry the dangers of smoking. Well, not this time. This guy is such a bad ass and the cigarette that he's sharing with his friends only drives that point home!

I know that this picture fails to truly capture the true artistry of this guy's tattoo, but he demonstrated how to accessorize a calf tat so perfectly, I couldn't get too close.

Welcome!

Hello, fellow calf tattoo aficionados.
When I moved to Boston two years ago, I noticed something very interesting. No, not the unique use of the letter R -- at least I was sorta prepared for that. But Good Will Hunting and Mystic River never prepared me for the fact that calf tattoos were everywhere in Boston.  Somehow, I had moved to the mecca of calf tattoos. It seemed like every guy under the age of 40 had a calf tat and was proudly showing it off. The unique array of calf tats has been quite the topic of discussion among my fellow transplants, so I've decided that the best way to show my gross fascination with calf tats was to blog about it. I'm also making it my mission to find the owner of this beauty.